This article is part of All the Rage, an editorial package that digs into the science of anger. SELF will be publishing new articles for this series all week. Read more here.
I was standing at a bus stop when someone bumped into me, knocking my bag off my shoulder. Almost immediately, I felt my jaw tighten as I waited for them to apologize. When I turned around, I saw that the careless jerk was actually a dog. My anger turned to amusement, watching this fluffy, 150-pound Newfoundland trotting alongside his owner.
While my indignation wasn’t exactly justified in this case, the takeaway here is that anger is a completely normal human reaction that everyone experiences. “Anger can let us know that we or someone we care about is in danger, or that a goal of ours, like finishing a project at work or getting through the grocery store checkout line, is being blocked,” Clair Robbins, PhD, a staff psychologist at Triangle Area Psychology Clinic in Durham, North Carolina, and a codirector of the Unified Protocol Institute, tells SELF. But that doesn’t mean it’s always productive. Sometimes anger is appropriate and helpful, like when it motivates us to stand up for ourselves when we’re being mistreated or to protest against social injustice. Other times, fiery emotions can be misdirected and harmful—to yourself or anyone within a 50-foot radius.
How people express anger can look very different too, ranging from irritability to more extreme reactions like screaming F-bombs or hurling objects across the room. It can also mask other emotions like sadness, fear, or jealousy. Dr. Robbins explains that many people have “a habit of turning uncomfortable or vulnerable emotions into anger because it feels safer to be angry than to, say, feel guilty, scared, or ashamed. Anger can be a validating emotion because it makes us feel powerful.” For example, saying (and feeling) “I’m pissed at my boss” is probably more empowering than admitting you feel helpless in your work situation.
Because anger can take many different forms—and because it doesn’t have to look like cartoony rage to cause distress or interfere with relationships—it can be tough to tell when it’s becoming a problem that requires more than a few deep breaths to resolve. That’s why we asked experts for advice on how to recognize when it’s time to consider talking to someone about anger management—so you don’t put your well-being, relationships, and/or job in jeopardy.
Self-awareness is key to understanding what’s at the root of your feelings and whether those issues might benefit from outside help. Here are some warning signs to help you decide if you should consider talking to your primary care doctor or seeing a therapist about your anger.
1. Your body feels out of control too.
“When we’re exposed to a threat, the amygdala, the part of the brain that regulates emotions, will activate our fight-or-flight response,” Elizabeth Fedrick, PhD, LPC, owner of Evolve Counseling & Behavioral Health Services in Phoenix and a professor of psychology at Grand Canyon University, tells SELF. As a result, the body releases stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. “It might feel like wanting to crawl out of your skin,” Dr. Fedrick says. Or you might experience stomach pain, tightness in your chest, or a faster heartbeat, research shows. “What people don’t often realize is that anger is a manifestation of anxiety,” she adds. If you feel anxious before boarding a plane or giving a presentation at work, for example, “it can come out as anger, because when you feel out of control, you often end up acting out of control,” Dr. Fedrick explains.
Again, this is a normal reaction to a perceived physical or psychological threat, but if it happens to you regularly and/or seems disproportionate to the situation, it could be a sign of an anxiety disorder. “When we start to see symptoms of anxiety like an upset stomach or chest tightness in someone who also struggles with anger, this would be a reason to reach out for help,” Dr. Fedrick explains, “so we can treat the root cause of anger and not just the symptoms of it.”
A primary care doctor can screen you for anxiety and potentially prescribe medication or refer you to a licensed mental health professional. Since anxiety and anger are often intertwined, a therapist can provide stress management tools that may help you feel calmer (and lash out less) in everyday anxiety-provoking situations, like having a jam-packed schedule or waiting in a never-ending line at the grocery store.
2. Your internal monologue is full of negative thoughts.
“Anger tends to build on itself, so the more we think angry thoughts, the angrier we tend to become,” Dr. Robbins says. That’s why paying attention to what you’re thinking when your rage bubbles up can be helpful. If you notice that your anger is connected to, say, racing thoughts about your partner not having your back when your mom criticizes you, or the time(s) a coworker took credit for your idea; or if your angry thoughts are self-directed (“I’m such a failure. Why am I so stupid?”), Dr. Fedrick says that’s a sign that your fiery feelings may be signaling an underlying issue.
Listening to your inner monologue might feel strange at first, she adds, but it can help you recognize if your anger is a manifestation of a deeper problem that could benefit from therapy. Maybe it’s a result of a communication issue like not being able to express your needs to a partner or stand up for yourself at work, or perhaps your anger is rooted in low self-worth. Ideally, you would then work with a therapist to better understand what’s driving and reinforcing the negative self-talk—and develop alternate ways of responding to triggering situations.
3. You’re getting fired up at work.
Maybe your coworkers have hinted that the way you trash-talk management is really harsh, or you regularly have to apologize for snapping or fully losing your temper, or perhaps your supervisor has even told you outright that you need to get your anger under control. If any of this sounds familiar, you might be dealing with unresolved anger or difficulty controlling your impulses, says Dr. Fedrick. (Or a demanding job may be taking its toll—irritability is one of the common symptoms of burnout.)
Having a bad day (or week) is totally normal, but if your work rage is a regular thing, it could threaten your well-being and possibly your employment. Dr. Fedrick says that a therapist can help you uncover the root cause(s) of your job-related anger and teach you skills to regulate your emotions, like removing yourself from the situation, or challenging negative thoughts if you’re getting fired up after a meeting. They can also help you determine if you’re dealing with burnout and guide you in setting boundaries or help you decide whether it’s time to look for another job that’s more aligned with your values, skills, and personality.
4. Your anger is infrequent but explosive.
Pay attention to how often you get angry, along with the level of rage that comes out when you do get mad—a pattern of occasional outbursts is a sign that you’re shoving your feelings down and pretending everything is A-OK when it’s not. The problem with that strategy is that it can lead to misdirected anger down the road. “Typically, suppressing anger only works for so long because of the rebound effect,” Dr. Robbins explains. “When you push it down, it tends to come out in a big way, like yelling or breaking something.” You might also experience explosive reactions like road rage or punching holes in walls (or wanting to), or maybe you end up screaming at the people closest to you or saying cruel things you immediately regret.
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Not only can these emotional eruptions be harmful to yourself and others, but they likely mean you’re struggling with managing an underlying problem. Maybe you feel unnerved about your overwhelming job or your dysfunctional relationship, or maybe you’re struggling with disordered eating. It’s worth exploring how early experiences with trauma might be contributing to your anger issues too, Dr. Fedrick says. For example, if you grew up in an unstable or abusive household, you might have learned to adapt by being overly accommodating or leaving the room instead of expressing your feelings. “When there is unprocessed trauma, you might carry these beliefs (like ‘people are not safe’ or ‘I can’t trust anyone’) into adulthood,” Dr. Fedrick explains.
If you’re regularly bottling up your feelings or forcing yourself to smile when you’re struggling, you may end up flipping out over seemingly unrelated things as a result, Dr. Robbins says. A therapist can help you unpack and address the roots of your rage, and they can teach you how to express your emotions in a healthier, less volcano-esque way.
5. You’re showing other signs of depression.
Along with more well-known symptoms like sleeping too much or too little, having difficulty concentrating, and feeling sad or hopeless, irritability and anger are also signs of clinical depression. Remember, anger doesn’t have to look like yelling or breaking things to disrupt your quality of life. If you’re experiencing any of the depression symptoms above and you also notice that you’re easily irritated over the smallest annoyances or mistakes, or that maybe you’re fixating on past failures and getting fired up as a result, talking to a professional might help, Dr. Fedrick says.
As with anxiety, depression is something your primary care doctor can screen you for and discuss treatment options, including therapy or prescription antidepressant medications, to relieve your symptoms. If your anger is, indeed, depression-related, a therapist can help you identify any contributing life circumstances and develop new strategies to cope, says Dr. Robbins.
6. Your personal relationships are suffering.
Arguments are bound to happen in any relationship—and no one likes to be told to calm down— but if your partner, say, frequently leaves the room to escape your wrath or tells you that your rage scares them, your anger is likely masking a deeper problem, Dr. Robbins says. And if your loved ones often seem blindsided when you snap at them, that’s another red flag: a sign of misplaced anger, which can erode your bond over time. If, for example, you’re stressed about your boss cutting back on hours at work, you might take it out on your mom by speaking to her in a harsh tone or saying things you’ll later regret, Dr. Robbins says.
Therapy can provide a neutral and supportive space to help you figure out what’s really triggering your anger and learn alternative behaviors that’ll promote intimacy versus making you feel further apart from the people you care about. For example, a therapist can help you learn to pause and gather your thoughts before responding, encourage you to use “I” statements (“I feel frustrated when you cancel our plans to hang out with your friends”), or suggest that you practice being more vulnerable (“I’m worried about money or losing my job”) or assertive (“I need you to call when you’re going to be late”) in the moment, instead of bottling up your feelings, Dr. Robbins explains.
How to find help for coping with anger
Deciding you’d like to talk to someone to help you unpack and manage your anger is one thing, but if you’re new to therapy or don’t currently have a therapist you love, finding that person might feel overwhelming. Luckily, there are quite a few resources that can make the process less intimidating.
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Dr. Fedrick says it’s always a good idea to start with a primary care doctor since they can rule out any underlying medical conditions—sleep apnea and hyperthyroidism can cause sleep disturbances that might be making you more irritable, for example. And it bears repeating: General practitioners can also help you figure out if you might have a mental health condition like clinical depression or an anxiety disorder and potentially recommend a therapist or psychiatrist to help treat it.
There are also reputable mental health organizations that can aid in your search for “the one.” Psychology Today (a Dr. Robbins favorite), Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA), and Inclusive Therapists, for example, all have a search tool where you can find therapists who specialize in treating anger. Mental Health America also offers advice on how to find an affordable therapist (and here are SELF’s expert-backed tips for accessing therapy on a budget).
In terms of what to expect if you decide to talk to someone about your anger struggles, the focus of therapy might be on learning skills to change thoughts and behaviors (in the case of cognitive behavioral therapy), practicing mindfulness (if your therapist recommends mindfulness-based stress-reduction techniques), or regulating emotions (the main focus of dialectical behavioral therapy). A therapist might also suggest lifestyle changes if, say, your sleeping or working habits are making you more vulnerable to outbursts. “Any time you feel anger is negatively impacting your life and you don’t know how to handle it, it’s really important to seek help,” Dr. Fedrick says. “It’s never too soon to get the help you need.”
