Even before the coronavirus pandemic, parenting was a 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, all-encompassing job, right? But when the pandemic brought everyone “closer together,” many parents and guardians became homeschoolers, coaches, tutors, classmates, and playmates overnight. This, of course, was in addition to any other adult responsibilities they had—you know, like work, managing a household, maintaining their own relationships, etc. This fall, parents and guardians have to grapple with the reality of back-to-school season in a pandemic, which means trying to figure out what their school districts have planned, weighing the safety of different schooling options, and for many parents and guardians, it means having their kids home part or full time. In short: If you’re raising kids right now, taking “time for yourself” might be at the bottom of your to-do list.
Even so, “alone time is more important than we think,” Laura K., 34, a parent of four who lives with her husband and mother-in-law, tells SELF. For her, private time involves simply closing her bedroom door for a second. “It doesn’t have to be an hour or two. It can be 5 minutes to recharge your battery.“
Still, the question remains: How do people with children really find alone time? We asked 20 parents and guardians about their best strategies for stealing a few private moments in this phase of the pandemic. Everyone’s circumstances are different (based on numerous factors, including age of children, financial situation, employment status, and whether or not there are people who share in caretaking). So take any tips that work for you and discard any that don’t fit the bill. This is a judgment-free zone. We hope these creative ideas inspire some of your own.
1. Literally sit in the car with noise-canceling headphones and an audiobook.
“I live with my husband and my mother, so sometimes I’ll sit in my car and listen to audiobooks. It’s glorious. Or sometimes, I use noise-canceling headphones, and that’s been a game-changer. I can’t hear anything.
I have three boys, ages 7, 10, and 15, and I’ve loosened screen time expectations. I’ve also stopped beating myself up about that during this weird time. When I do feel guilt, fear, or uncertainty, I still give myself permission to have the space I need because I know it benefits everyone. These moments feel like heaven, even if it’s a warm cup of coffee on a cool Sunday morning; this is a time that I use to challenge my own thoughts and focus on solutions instead of problems.” —Heather C., 35
2. If you have young kids, introduce them to “rock painting.”
“I’m a single mother to a two-year-old and a four-year-old, and I’ve set them up with ‘rock painting.’ This started when I couldn’t get canvases during the quarantine. Instead of paint, they use water because their rocks still change color. And, because they’re using water, I don’t care how messy it gets. They each have about 12 rocks, and by the time they finish the final rock, the first rock is dry and needs more ‘paint.’ They paint rocks—for hours! This keeps them engaged and gives me a solid chunk of time when I know they’re not otherwise fighting or getting into mischief. These moments feel like vacations.” —Maril V., 31
3. Throw on children’s audiobooks during playtime.
“Both my husband and I work a ‘9 to 5,’ and I run an eco-friendly stationery brand. We take turns watching the children, and we’ve started to gamify learning. This gives us the time-out we need, and the kids love spending time with each of us alone. For instance, I might ask them to practice their handwriting while I read a book. Even if it’s 10 minutes of quiet time, it helps. We’ve also resorted to children’s books on Audible. The twins listen to them and play while I read a magazine. Bliss. There’s a lot of ‘mental noise,’ both from the internet and trying to cope with the pressures of keeping our jobs. Reading a book alone or meditating for five minutes helps me clear my mind and put me right back on track to what’s important.” —Carina L., 39
4. Schedule some playtime for the morning so that things are calmer in the afternoon.
“I find that if I play with my two-year-old for 20 minutes in the morning, she does much better playing on her own for a while after. Otherwise, she ends up nagging me and making the morning both unpleasant and unproductive. This isn’t a surefire win, but we have some good days. My daughter is an only child, so independent play is the only way to get some time to myself. Those moments are still barely alone. I always need to be close by, so there is not much relief or freedom, but I can sometimes catch up on email, read a few pages of a book, or prepare a meal. If you’re in a similar situation, try to hang on to your patience and get as much sleep as you can. It keeps us all saner.” —Christine K., 35
5. Take turns with other caretakers (if you can afford it and can do it safely).
“My husband and I asked for help. My 19-year-old daughter helps with the six-year-old once a week, the mother of my six-year-old’s best friend watches her one day a week, and we hired a 15-year-old from a family we trust to come and sit two days a week. My husband works full-time, and I own a business. Our daughter is super social and had a hard time being home, so we found the safest solution to fit all our needs.
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My husband and I take turns with bedtime and Fridays, so we both have ‘me time’ to work out or get out of the house. It’s the reset I need so I can continue to be a positive role model and keep sane.” —Tiffany N., 39
6. Schedule your self-care moments ahead of time.
“I live with my partner, and we’re raising three children (ages 2, 8, and 17) while juggling work. We’ve had no additional childcare due to the pandemic. I’ve had to consciously prioritize—and even schedule—my self-care. That involves actually scheduling a bath with a glass of bubbles, but that half an hour can bring so much peace. It leaves me feeling refreshed and able to parent again at 100 percent. It’s easier said than done, but it’s similar to the saying, ‘Those who don’t have time to meditate need to meditate most.’ If you feel drained, but think you don’t have the time, you need it most.” —Hayley P., 36
7. Think of your alone time in sprints.
“I’m a single guardian to three children (a 9-year-old and 5-year-old-twins), and we live in a multi-generational household. I find my alone time in sprints: working out, sitting on the porch, and quick solo lunches. These moments give me time to think and destress. Even a five-minute escape in the bathroom can bring a sense of renewal. Prayer, meditation, and deep-cleaning sprees help me as well.” —Melissa B., 45
8. If you can, run a two-screen movie night in two different rooms.
“I live in a single-family home with my husband and kids. We do not have grandparents or even family nearby. They all live out of state. Our oldest is immune-compromised, so even as people have ventured out, this has not been an option for us. No one comes in or out. I’ve found a few tricks, though. First, I’ve taken up gardening and involved the kids. I’ve assigned them ‘water-the-plants hour’ each day where they take pictures of the plants, measure their growth, and take down notes on what they observed. This gives me time to sit down and eat my breakfast.
I run a two-screen movie night in two different rooms. My kids get to sit down and watch their kids’ movie in one room, while I sit down to watch a movie in another room with my husband and chocolate ice cream. It’s a solution that is win-win, both for the parents and for kids. I think it’s hard to force our schedule on them without a positive reason that they can understand. So this gives us a sense of ourselves and a bit of relationship time back.” —Thalia T., 37
9. At the end of the day, after the kids are in bed, spend a few minutes journaling.
“The right approach is going to be so different for each family, and my husband and I have had to find what works for us. We’ve also really embraced the idea that this, too, shall pass. If I was the type of person to tattoo my forehead, I’d tattoo, “This, too, shall pass” backward on my face (so I could see it every morning in the mirror). I have a five-year old, a three-year-old, and a one-year-old, but no matter our kids’ ages, this can all feel tough for parents. Journaling at the end of the day has helped. After the kids go to bed, even when I just want to crash, I take a few minutes to capture the beauty of the day and some of the tougher moments too. In ink I write about the mother I’m choosing to be despite the challenges involved in showing up as her. I’m also capturing history because this time in life is wild and worth remembering.” —Elizabeth H., 32
10. Wake up before the rest of the house and get out of the house.
“I wake up before my husband and three-year-old, and I work out or take a walk. I’m a morning person anyway, but these days there’s never any quiet. Sometimes my brain is screaming, or my husband is on a call. Or I’m on a call, and the dog is barking. The quiet helps me collect my thoughts. I also go out and grab a coffee every morning. Those five minutes are everything. They prepare me to take on the day ahead. I know it’s tough, but carving that time out before taking on the day really helps. I also get good sleep at night because I’m super exhausted by the end of the day.” —Natalie W., 36
11. Even if it’s just to sit outside for a few minutes.
“I’m co-parenting and working from home with my partner. We founded a coffee importing company together, and I’m consulting for Instacart, so I’m putting in over 60 hours each week. In other words: We almost never stop working, and our eight-year-old daughter is with us all the time. The few moments before my partner and daughter wake up are basically my moments of sanity. I sit down on the step with coffee and think about the day ahead. I often do a little fantasy writing during that time, which also helps me feel refreshed. My partner and I have also been sort of sneaking out back to sit with a beer and look at the sky after our daughter goes to bed. That’s been so wonderful. Alone time is essential, but even if I’m getting much less than I used to, the quality of that alone time has been better than ever.” —Emily M., 35
12. Put your household on a schedule: hours when the kitchen is open, times for homework, scheduled quiet time, etc.
“When my three kids were little, I always followed a schedule that included 90 minutes of quiet time after lunch. They would nap or read in their beds. As they got older, they could build Legos or play quietly in their rooms. When it’s built into the day, they don’t question it.
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Now I’ve got teens who have been home due to school closing (and summer vacation). We’ve created a daily schedule that has the hours the kitchen is open and the hours when schoolwork happens. They know when I’m ‘Mom,’ when I’m working, and when I’m available to teach. It’s awesome! I need structure, or I don’t get my work done. My kids need the same, and because we collaborate, it works. It’s luxurious to build alone time into my day.” —Lisa H., 51
13. Take up gardening (or some other activity that your kids won’t ask to join).
“My husband and I both work from home, so we juggle our schedules and involve the older kids so that we can work and hang out as a family. We have a 17-year-old, a 12-year old, and a 3-year-old. That said, my garden is kid-free! I can generally find at least 30 minutes in the morning to enjoy some peace and quiet. Occasionally, one of the kids will want to join me, but generally, they don’t. My husband and I also try to find time in the day to walk, either alone or together. The kids have learned to honor our space, and we try to honor theirs, which helps when we just really need a moment alone. Let’s face it—we see a lot of each other, so space is necessary for all of us. I don’t necessarily feel totally recharged, but it helps me to be at peace with the given situation. I know the COVID quarantine won’t be forever, so I’m trying to stay present for the extra time I have with my kids. I figure we’ll have great stories to tell our future grandkids.” —Sydney M., 43
14. Stay up a little later if you can.
“I stay up too late after my five-year-old has gone to bed. I’ve also taken a solo drive on a few occasions, since I live with my husband and sister. That’s pretty much the only thing I can manage with a full-time work schedule. Honestly, it’s been great—except that sometimes staying up too late interferes with my normal sleeping habits.” —Jill K., 39
15. After running an errand, sit in your car for a few extra minutes.
“If my husband is home, I will take an extra 10 guilt-free minutes to sit on my own. For instance, after I get home from the supermarket, I sit in my car to just breathe before getting into the house. I also enjoy just stepping outside to sit, breathe, even grab a pen and paper to write anything that comes to mind.
We have three kids (and a poodle named Chewy), so when I feel like I live in a zoo, even 10 minutes of physically removing myself helps give me new perspectives. If you’re trying to take space, don’t be shy: Put on a movie for your kids, so they’re occupied. You can sit in the same room but separate areas to breathe and do nothing. Stop the cleaning and moving, literally sit and try to push away all worries. One other tip: Tell your children, ‘We’re playing the quiet game’ and whoever talks first loses.” —Lori B., 36
16. Designate solo playtime (for the whole family, including adults) in separate rooms.
“I live in a two-bedroom apartment in New York City with my husband and our seven-year-old daughter, Sophie, who is autistic. We are three people and we have different rooms, so we’ve designated alone playtime in separate areas. It gives each of us physical and mental space from one another. Even though apartment living during a pandemic is tough, those moments of alone time are freeing—sometimes either I need to cry, or blast music or sit in silence. Even five minutes is worth it. Breathing techniques help during that time too.” —Jackie J., 44
17. Take the long way home after running an errand.
“I treat myself to a morning drive to our local coffee shop alone. Some days I go directly there and back to start working. But other times, when I need to be alone, I take the long way home so I can have another 15 minutes to sit in silence or to sing along to my favorite music. My husband and three kids have caught on. When I’m gone for an extra 15 minutes, they’ll say, ‘Mom needed some alone time.’ It feels like a guilty pleasure because I can take time to reflect on what’s going on in the world, or simply have some personal freedom without being interrupted. No mom or caregiver should feel guilty about needing space to breathe.” —Terra B., 43
18. Repurpose a small space as your ‘quiet time’ corner.
“I live with my husband and our two kids. And about two years ago, my mom, my sister, and her two children moved into our three-bedroom home with us. To get some alone time, I reorganized my small walk-in closet and made a ‘quiet time’ corner. My corner has a lounging chair and a repurposed nightstand (where I keep my books). It’s quiet, and I use my dresser to create a barrier between my clothes and my corner. It’s where I go to read, relax, journal, meditate, and I can go there any time of the day and not worry about waking up anyone because of the light.” —Marian N., 42
19. Don’t feel bad about resorting to the iPad.
“I don’t feel bad about resorting to the iPad. When you’ve heard ‘Mom, I need…’ 60 times by 9 a.m., it wears on you. So my advice? Whatever time you can find, even if it’s only 10 minutes of uninterrupted moments in the shower, savor it. Try not to think about housework or what you should be doing. Just try to silence your brain for a little while. It goes a long, long way.” —Maril V., 31
20. Wake up in the middle of the night (on purpose).
“My husband and I both work from home. My in-laws, who live in L.A., are living with us to help. Aside from the blessing of having in-laws living with us during quarantine and giving us some time away from the kids, we have had to be creative about getting individual time away. While my husband bathes the kids after dinner, I use that time to get things done. I’ve also woken up in the middle of the night to get some time alone. During that time, I can be productive without constant interruption.” —Mary Grace G., 36
21. Remember that work is not a substitute for alone time.
“My partner and I live together with our two-year-old daughter. I work from home as a women’s empowerment coach. I’ve had no childcare during most of the pandemic, but I finally recognized that work, while fulfilling, is not alone time. Until recently, I was always with my daughter or working.
Lately, I’ve started scheduling time to chill the f#ck out. Once a week, when that notification pops up on my calendar, I’m reminded to stop. No chores and no work. I just chill by the pool, read, or go for a nice walk. It works because it’s set up in a way that is non-negotiable. If I wait and see, I’ll always either be with my daughter or work. Scheduling solo time has been a miracle. Those moments feel like heaven. It may inconvenience my partner, but it doesn’t have to be a lot of time, and everyone’s better off when I do this. Plus, I’m teaching my daughter healthy self-care and boundaries by walking the talk.” —Michelle B., 39
Quotes have been edited and condensed for clarity.
